I've had bad eyesight since I was in second grade. I was afraid to tell my parents that I needed glasses because I knew they'd say "I told you so." Ever since I could remember, they've always told me not so sit too close to the TV or not too read too much because it would damage my eyesight. I was afraid to tell them that had indeed come true. Of course, at that time, I didn't know that my eye problem was congenital. I endured grade school, high school, and part of college in a state of blindness. I literally couldn't see the things written on the blackboard! I had to squint so much in order to be able to read anything on the board. It didn't help that since I was always one of the tallest people in class, I always had to sit at the back. There were times when our teacher would call on students to read something on the board aloud to the class. I'd pray so hard to God that the teacher wouldn't call my name. But it seemed that the harder I prayed, the more the teacher called me!
Thinking about experiences like these makes me feel that God doesn't like to answer my prayers. I know I have been blessed in a lot of aspects in my life, and I'm very grateful for that, but every time I fervently pray for something, nothing happens. I'm envious because my mom's prayers are always answered. In fact, I feel that everything I am now, is because of her prayers. My academic achievements, the fact that I'm still here living with her, even the fact that I'm single--I feel that all these are God's answers to her prayers. But what about me? What about what I want?
I know I need to get down on my knees even more, put in more effort and maybe God will hear. But sometimes I wonder: can you even ask God for anything? I know the act of praying matters, but what you ask for... does that matter? Or is everything laid out and planned already, just waiting to be fulfilled? What I'm saying is... can I even ask God for something in particular and hope He will give it to me? Or can I only ask Him for the strength to be able to handle the things that life gives me?
As far back as I can remember, I don't think I've seriously asked God for anything specific. Studying in a Catholic school, I've had to go through the motions of praying in a somewhat structured way but when it comes to the supplication/s part I've always been stumped. Privately, I talk to God as if He's my friend. I share with Him my pains, joys and dreams but I've never really seen the point of asking Him for anything when He's already supposed to know whats best for us.
ReplyDeleteI think praying for strength is my answer, Flo, although I almost always just end up berating Him or talking to Him like I do with my parents when I'm sure they're wrong about something. This is something I need 2 work hard on that's why I've not prayed as much as I used 2...
I used to feel this way.. that God does not listen to my prayers. I even used to think that He doesn't love me because of the pains that I went through as a child and as an adolescent. I still kept on believing in Him even then. I guess college was the hardest because I started feeling lonelier and lonelier due to my friends having BFs and I didn't--then I would come home and it wasn't really the best place to be. I believe it's normal to ask these questions, because, after all, we're only humans. Sometimes I even thought that He's so selfish because He would not make me experience human happiness. At one point, I thought that the only thing He wants me to be was to be a nun. I even got to a point where I made my own theory of things--that Jesus was able to receive all the pains we gave to Him because He was, after all, a God and is devoid of sins and failures, however, since we are humans we cannot all the time ward off feelings of sadness and despair or anger. Talk to God and ask Him what you want to experience in this life-that you want to be happy in a certain area, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I noticed though that if I'm specific with what I pray for, it comes. Like for instance, I would asked "please make me happy" but what kind of happiness? Happy because of friends, etc. Like Au, I also talk to God as if He's a friend, well more like the Only real being who loves and understands me.
ReplyDeleteIn the bible, Jesus also prayed to His Father asking The Father why He abandoned Him... That's how I learned about the power of prayer. Jesus' purpose was ultimate--to make known to people that there is a God and that He loves us. And He loves you too Flu! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cha. I do know that God loves me, like He loves each one of us. I'm also well aware that my whole life, I've been more fortunate than most people. The realization of that allows me to be who and what I am now. I know that my concerns are nothing compared to others'. I know, too, that everything I am experiencing is for a reason.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you thought of my post as complaining about unanswered prayers. I'm really not complaining... more like, stating only. You know me, my mantra in life is "accept, accept, accept." Hehe. I've accepted that there are good reasons why He answers us with NO sometimes. What I really want to know though, is if any of our prayers can alter the course of our lives. You believe in that, right, while I believe in things already being set beforehand. If I knew the answer to that, then I guess I'd know what to pray for. But there really is no way of knowing, is there? As the adage goes, "only God knows." :)